Holy Crap

I just registered for an online writing course one month starts June 18.

 

I need to go throw up now.

Why I will never be an author

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a story in her head.

The story wanted to come out, but the girl was too lazy/busy/stupid/tired to let it out.

The story became impatient and started to chant, "let me out let me out let me out," ad nauseum, until the girl thought she might go insane.

But still, being lazy/busy/stupid tired prevailed, and she didn't let it out.

Then the story grew more impatient and, with feet clad in army boots and pounding fists, it started a riot. There was no more chanting. There was screaming. LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT.

The girl told the story to shut the fuck up. But it continued to pound. LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT.

The girl put pillows over her head and took valium with vodka, but nothing dulled the pounding. The girl grew angry and resentful of the stupid pounding story and jabbed chopsticks into her ears to try to kill the monster, but still it pounded on.

L E T M E O U T L E T M E O U T L E T M E O U T

And then her head exploded.

The end.

PS: Photo stolen here.

PPS: Do not ever do a google image search for "exploding head." Trust me.

PPPS: Love of exploding heads inspired here.

And so it begins...

Today would have been Carlie's sixth day of school. Would have been. Had she not stayed home -- sick -- with a sore throat, stuffy nose and general malaise. 

And while I try to be a kind and sympathetic mother, my brain is screaming Seriously? Already? You've got to be kidding me.

If there's one thing that makes me more mental than the tail-end of summer vacation, where it's all I can do to calm myself by rocking in the corner and chanting "it's almost time for back-to-school", it's sick days. I don't do well with (a) germs (b) house arrest (c) bored kids or (d) neediness. And, honestly, besides a newborn blind kitten who needs to be fed with an eyedropper, what is needier than an elementary-school child who is home from school because they're sick?

In unrelated news. I wrote a query letter to a magazine last night. After googling "how to publish an article in a magazine" and studying the article on "how to write a query letter," I did it. And I hit send. I have a great idea for a fun article for a local parenting magazine. 

So it's been 24 hours and no response. Assholes. 

PS: Since I may or may not have referenced this blog as a sample of my writing, in retrospect I probably should not be calling the unresponsive magazine editor an asshole. I mean, I was referring to google. Google is the asshole in this scenario as the advice on how to write a query letter was obviously flawed. Either that or the fact that I may or may not have overlooked the fact that this was a Christian family magazine and my article involves various cocktail recipes for parents while participating in various family activities.

So basically, just forget the whole magazine article thing. Never mind.