Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Sucky McSuck Suck Post aka My Pity Party

My son is a sophomore at Clark College, a community college here in Vancouver. It's a sweet set up, because it's blocks from home, he can walk or ride his bike (he doesn't have a car and hell, no, is not taking mine). He can live at home, car-less, yet still be quite independent, so it works out really well. 

But my son, you see, has inherited my crazy. One day he is all, I can't wait to transfer to Evergreen (a university in Olympia) and get a B.S. in ecology. And the next day he is all, school is crap, I hate school, I am totally quitting. (And then I remind him that the free room/board deal expires upon school completion, whether you finish or quit, and he shuts up).

And me? I am one day all, I need to grow my business. I want more clients. I need to work more hours closer to home.  And the next day I am all, where can I cut the budget so I can quit work and stay home and work sucks and wah wah wah.

See a trend?

Yeah, neither of us knows what we want. Or more accurately, we just want different things on any given day, and what we want one day may have no relevance whatsoever to what we want the next day. Take my word for it, it's not an easy way to go through life.

My school experience can be broken down into five stints: (1) junior college-quit (2) community college-AA (3) university-BA (4) grad school-quit and (5) court reporting school-certification. That's five different jaunts through school, each time with a completely different focus and major that was totally unrelated to anything I had done in school before. Fickle, much?

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I've lost my build the business momentum, and I need to get it back, because retirement right now is not a realistic option. It doesn't help that I am sick as a dog and have to work again today. It doesn't help that my son's semester is wrapping up and I am pretty sure he has been keeping some dirty little grade secrets that are about to come to light. 

And it certainly doesn't help that today is the 10-year anniversary of my mom's death. Or as we call it around here, her deathiversary. I can't believe it's been 10 years since I've talked to my mom. It's surreal. I wrote a rather long retelling of the events surrounding her death (long battle with cancer, died three weeks before Carlie (her namesake) was born, flying cross country four times in two weeks at 8-1/2 months pregnant), but it's sad and morose and I don't feel ready to post it here yet, if ever.

Even though it has been 10 years, most crappy things in my life still come back to "I want my mom." I don't feel good, I want my mom. My kid is being a creep, call mom, she'll know what to do. Need to convert pints to quarts for a recipe? Ask mom, she'll know. Ten years, and I still think this way, and then, BAM, get hit with the reality that there's no mom to ask. I'm the mom now. And I am not up to the task nine days out of ten.

Goals for the day:
1. Get through work this afternoon spreading as few of my germs as possible.
2. No crying jags.
3. Help Taylor complete his school registration, even if he's having an "I quit" day.
4. Polish mock up of postcard incorporating great feedback I have received (thanks).
5. Stop beating myself up for being sick and not running and get over my irrational fear of gaining 25 lb in two days if I don't stick to my running schedule.
6. Nap after work.
7. Feel good enough to go to the Johnny Depp movie screening tonight. 

Seven simple goals. Wish me luck. If I convince myself that Johnny Depp will be at the movie screening tonight and that his career is riding on my feedback, maybe I'll make it. The power of Johnny -- never underestimate it.


Keetha said...

When I read about your ambivalance about work and staying at home, then the whole college thing, I was like, We were separated at birth! I know what you mean.

Also, my heart goes out to you, hon. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm sorry for how much it must still hurt.

I'm seeing you all better and ready to see Johnny Depp tonight.

LisaMM said...

Dude, I am so like that. Not sure why I just called you dude, LOL. It's something I do with my kids (or more accurately, something they do with me). I can be totally gung ho about *whatever* one day, then totally 'everything is crap' the next. Uh. Fortunately I don't think I've passed the fickle gene to my kids. They seem to have more of a 'stick to it' mentality than I ever did.

On the deathiversary, I am really sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I have that kind of relationship with my mother too, calling her for stuff all the time to vent, complain, ask for advice, what's the best way to do blah, blah, blah. I don't know what I'd do without her. She's just going to have to live forever.

Hope you have a nice evening, Mrs. Depp.

Rogue Scholar said...

I think everyone is like that. There are days that I don't mind going to work and getting it done and there are others (like today and most days since all the layoffs) that I don't give a shit. I really just want to stay home with my kids.

As for school... pshaw. I started at a state university as an Athletic Training major, switched and got an AA at a junior college. I started taking classes for an AS in graphic design and am now (6 years later) 5 classes away from graduating... that's where I was when my son was born 6 years ago and it hasn't changed. I would love to go back to school but not sure what I want to do with my life.

Most days I just want to lay in bed with the covers over my head.

I'm sorry about your mom and the hurt you still feel.

Amy said...

Hugs Lady.

I go back and forth I am surprised I don't have whiplash.

Sounds like a heavy day...I hope you felt loved and supported that day.

My Name Is Cat said...

I don't understand 100% how you're feeling about your mom, because both of my parents are still living, but Yankee's dad died almost 12 years ago and the deathiversary is always tough for him. I'm feeling for you.