But my son, you see, has inherited my crazy. One day he is all, I can't wait to transfer to Evergreen (a university in Olympia) and get a B.S. in ecology. And the next day he is all, school is crap, I hate school, I am totally quitting. (And then I remind him that the free room/board deal expires upon school completion, whether you finish or quit, and he shuts up).
And me? I am one day all, I need to grow my business. I want more clients. I need to work more hours closer to home. And the next day I am all, where can I cut the budget so I can quit work and stay home and work sucks and wah wah wah.
See a trend?
Yeah, neither of us knows what we want. Or more accurately, we just want different things on any given day, and what we want one day may have no relevance whatsoever to what we want the next day. Take my word for it, it's not an easy way to go through life.
My school experience can be broken down into five stints: (1) junior college-quit (2) community college-AA (3) university-BA (4) grad school-quit and (5) court reporting school-certification. That's five different jaunts through school, each time with a completely different focus and major that was totally unrelated to anything I had done in school before. Fickle, much?
I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I've lost my build the business momentum, and I need to get it back, because retirement right now is not a realistic option. It doesn't help that I am sick as a dog and have to work again today. It doesn't help that my son's semester is wrapping up and I am pretty sure he has been keeping some dirty little grade secrets that are about to come to light.
And it certainly doesn't help that today is the 10-year anniversary of my mom's death. Or as we call it around here, her deathiversary. I can't believe it's been 10 years since I've talked to my mom. It's surreal. I wrote a rather long retelling of the events surrounding her death (long battle with cancer, died three weeks before Carlie (her namesake) was born, flying cross country four times in two weeks at 8-1/2 months pregnant), but it's sad and morose and I don't feel ready to post it here yet, if ever.
Even though it has been 10 years, most crappy things in my life still come back to "I want my mom." I don't feel good, I want my mom. My kid is being a creep, call mom, she'll know what to do. Need to convert pints to quarts for a recipe? Ask mom, she'll know. Ten years, and I still think this way, and then, BAM, get hit with the reality that there's no mom to ask. I'm the mom now. And I am not up to the task nine days out of ten.
Goals for the day:
1. Get through work this afternoon spreading as few of my germs as possible.
2. No crying jags.
3. Help Taylor complete his school registration, even if he's having an "I quit" day.
4. Polish mock up of postcard incorporating great feedback I have received (thanks).
5. Stop beating myself up for being sick and not running and get over my irrational fear of gaining 25 lb in two days if I don't stick to my running schedule.
6. Nap after work.
7. Feel good enough to go to the Johnny Depp movie screening tonight.
Seven simple goals. Wish me luck. If I convince myself that Johnny Depp will be at the movie screening tonight and that his career is riding on my feedback, maybe I'll make it. The power of Johnny -- never underestimate it.