Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

And now? I totally know why Mary was contrary. Because gardening? Is hard, and makes you dirty, and just looks like way more fun on TV than it actually is when you're in your yard, getting dirty.

Tim took Friday off of work and we decided to work on projects together. And by work on projects together, I envisioned me sitting in a chair reading a book while he cut the grass. But then, surprise, he had a bunch of these little baby plant things in his car and was all, like, hey, why don't you plant the vegetable garden. And I was like, hey, haven't we done this before and it was a huge FAILURE of sad and pathetic doom? And he was like, well, yeah, but this time do it right. Because I did it wrong on purpose last time apparently.

So in order to do it right, I consulted the Great and Powerful Google. And found out? I can't do it right, because I need to buy some cool gardening swag first. How am I supposed to garden in these...

... when what I really need are some of these...

...you know, in order to do it right. Any activity that starts off with the wrong footwear is doomed.

And I could have probably done a lot better if I had some of these...

But I had this...

... and, frankly, felt like I needed a tetanus shot after using it.

Apparently, the first part of gardening is "preparing" the soil. Um, okay. I took this to mean digging up the shit already in the garden. And then I found this...

...and I was all, OH MY GOD, LOOK! I GREW GARLIC. AND I WASN'T EVEN TRYING. And Tim was all, uh, no, that's a bulb. And so then I spent the next 40 minutes hacking and digging up bulbs that were EVERYWHERE in the vegetable garden. And Tim was like, how about you set those aside and plant them somewhere else? They're pretty flowers. And I was like, how about we go to the store and buy vegetables already grown by someone else and then have cocktails? But he wasn't listening.

I'll spare you the details. But insert much toiling and sweating and cursing and being dirty here.

And then I had this...


I planted lettuce, tomatoes, pole beans, squash and a melon in this bed.

Then Carlie came home from school and was all I want to garden too. And I was like, sorry, garden is done. And she was all I want to garden too. And I was like, I'll share my vegetables with you. And she was all I want to garden too. And so we planted another garden, with strawberries and chard and more lettuce.

And then my friend was all, hey, want some kale starts? And Tim was all, hey, look, six more tomato plants that you didn't plant. And I'm all, DOES THIS GARDENING THING EVER END? And so we have a third bed that needs a little work to be ready to plant. And by work I mean, holy shit, look at that thing, will you?

I think we'll need one of these

and some of these

to get the job done. Because I want to do it right.