Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I'm kind of like an Olympian

Diet Coke heart necklace by RepurposedForYou.com, available here.

I have not had a Diet Coke since February 5. I know, right? I know sodas are bad for you. I know that the whole concept of "soda" is unnatural and icky. And then throw in the artificial sweeteners and such and, seriously, the whole thing is disgusting. But the thing is? I love Diet Coke. I freaking LOVE Diet Coke. Like in an unearthly, unhealthy, come-to-momma-baby kind of way.

When I went into the hospital they were all, like, here's some water, woot, and I was all, like, how about a diet coke? And they were like, um, yeah, no. So in addition to getting my guts yanked out and tubes drilled in, I also suffered from a caffeine withdrawal headache in the hospital. And then on day two I had coffee and so, yeah, that whole close call with giving up caffeine was dodged.

And then I got discharged, with a funky and burpy stomach and a piece of paper that says blah blah "low fat" and blah blah "no carbonated beverages for a week." So for a week I was, all, blah blah no, I can't eat that and blah blah more iced tea, please.

And then the week was over, but my stomach? Was still kind of funky and burpy. So I didn't drink a Diet Coke.

It bears repeating. I didn't drink a Diet Coke. Even though I had no paper telling me that I shouldn't. Which basically = I was under doctor's orders to start drinking Diet Coke again, and yet did not. DID. NOT.

Now it's been over a week, and my stomach is still funky and burpy and so, yeah, I am still not drinking Diet Coke. And it's kind of like how I didn't have any money to get my hair cut last year, so I just didn't get it cut, and then it kept growing, and growing, and then when I was ready to get it cut it was, like, shit, I have long freaking hair, what am I going to do with it. And it has kind of become this *thing.*

So I am having this not drinking Diet Coke *thing* now. Except I don't know how I feel about it.

It's like I am exactly like an Olympic athlete, with the training and sacrifice, except instead of ice skating or mogul skiing, my event is not drinking Diet Coke. And also trying not to puke/cry/scream every time I have to *deal with* this disgusting cyborg tube/faucet device sticking out of my stomach, which is SEWN to my LIVER and is FREAKING ME THE FUCK out 24/7 x 365.

But I digress.

USA... USA... USA...
PS: What Vicodin?


Nap Warden said...

OK...I am all about regular Coke. I buy the Mexican Coke in bottles from Costco. Made with real sugar:P

I know it's bad...I allow myself one a day. I can't cut everything out...ya know?

Love the necklace...want the Coke version:)

Keetha said...

I feel for you. No freaking wonder - all that and no Diet Coke, either? What about wine? Did they say anything about wine?

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Fantastic Forrest said...

Coke and the Olympics go together. It says so here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlUnRrWiKdY&feature=related

But if you're not drinking it, you don't have a hand in making every Olympic dream come true. So stop being selfish about your burpy stomach and suck one down.

PS I love you, freaky cyborg tube and all.