Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Like my teeth?

I am in a rut. Of suck. Of things that suck. Suckiness is stalking me. I'm not exaggerating. Even a little bit. In an effort to NOT be a total SUCKHEAD, I am not going to tell you about the continued flea infestation that has me skeeved out, the healthy snack Nazi monitoring my daughter's daily sack lunches, the $800 tune-up that my car needs RIGHT NOW or the continued saga of the lost data from my work PC which has me paralyzed on a business front. Not saying a word. You're welcome.

No, instead, I'm going to blind you with my MAD GENIUS. The MAD GENIUS is the part of my brain that kicks in when people are talking at me, saying things that I refuse to hear. It's the mental equivalent of LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, without the sticking of the thumbs in the ears usually.

Yesterday I took Carlie in to have her teeth cleaned and x-rays. Routine dental visit plus an ortho consult. I have never paid for a routine dental visit before. Up until last year, we have had dental insurance. But now? We don't.

I went in thinking, what's a visit going to cost us? $50? Maybe $100?

It was $300. For a routine cleaning visit.

I am not a newbie here, folks. Carlie is the youngest of four children, and the other three have all had excellent dental care and extensive orthodontia as well. But we? Always had insurance. I literally had no idea how much this shit costs. I feel like one of the housewives on Mad Men, clueless in my little shell of not knowing how much shit costs. Except with less hairspray. And less cigarettes and cocktails. But I digress.

She needs "pre-orthodontic" treatment to the tune of $1,200 for four extractions. And she has a cavity that needs to be filled. Six months after her "pre-ortho," we start "ortho phase 1," with another four extractions and an "appliance," for another $1,200. I stopped listen after that.

I stopped listening because my MAD GENIUS kicked in and I was composing a kick-ass new campaign that is going to take the country by storm. Get ready for it. Ready?

BRING BACK THE BUCK


Hi. My name is Bucky. Like my teeth? I'm hawt.



BRING BACK THE BUCK, Oh Yeah. As in buck teeth. As in screw orthodontia, buck teeth are hot. Buck teeth are chic. Buck teeth are where it is at, baby.



I'm going to need some artistic guidance on the tee-shirts. And some fundraising efforts to start the media ads. Oh, and a mascot in a mascot suit, standing on the corner waving a sign, like the mattress guy. I'm wondering if I can establish this as a nonprofit?

8 comments:

Fantastic Forrest said...

I am sorry about your sucky rut.

Hereis an alternate tee shirt design.

Is this an example of why we need health care reform? Yes, I think so. Because, ultimately, if we believe what the dentists are telling us (I'm dealing with recommendations for braces for Super Son) it is a matter of health as well as beauty. And when it costs so unbelievably much, something has to change.

sam said...

I know what you mean!! Why do all of our kids' mouths have to look to exactly the same? Remember when crooked teeth was part of a charming smile and character? Now they could all be cheerleaders or quarterbacks. With everyone having perfect teeth, who will be left to bully with names like Bucky and Snaggletooth? (I think my argument may be slipping here; I'd better stop while I'm ahead.)
Good luck at scraping together the dough. Ten years from now you'll look back at your daughters smile and forget how painful it all was.

Kathy said...

I had to bomb for fleas last week and it didn't take care of them. GAH!! I found a particular fogger last year that works exceptionally well but somehow ended up with the wrong one last week. I'm bombing Friday and taking myself to one or maybe two movies to sulk...suckiness is going around. wah!

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

I don't know where to begin because the suck is heavy in your world, but we aren't talking about that.

Blech.

And also what are all these extractions? Won't she lose some of these teeth on her own?

Just curious, said the lady who visited the orthodontist for a solid 6 years and had to have 2 baby teeth pulled or I'd still have them today.

I'm sorry for the suck.

Colin said...

I knew several girls in middle school and high school with buck teeth that I thought were hot. I won't argue.

Then again, I find girls with hairlips very appealing too. And by hairlip, I don't mean harelip, as in a cleft lip. I mean that slight hairy fuzz that some women have on their lip, cheeks, or forehead. I had a mad crush on a girl in high school that had blonde hair on her upper lip. Nobody else would touch her with a ten-foot pole. I came out and told her that I really liked her, and she told me she liked me as a friend, but not in 'that' way. I was crestfallen. Fuck her. However, I still stop and stare when speaking to a woman with a very slight moustache, sideburns and heavy eyebrows optional. Hunose why.

Anna See said...

ouch for carly, ouch for mom. good gracious i think i'm glad i blew of the ortho consults i had scheduled for the kids this summer. la-la-la-la... i'm not listening either.

hope tomorrow is less sucky

Jen on the Edge said...

Bummer.

Grace will be getting braces next year, which are not covered by our insurance. They'll be $5,500 and we'll owe 1/3 up front. Before that, however, she'll be having major oral surgery to remove four permanent teeth. That will be only partly covered by insurance. We're estimating that we'll owe around $1,000 that. And then there's the $750 or so we've already paid out for smaller procedures.

So, yeah, I totally understand your pain and the major suckitude that is orthodontics.

Hang in there.

Keetha said...

I, too, am sorry for your sucky rut. That, you know, SUCKS.

I'm a font of good advice and wisdom.

It will surely get better.