Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Don't You Wish Your Mommy Was Scary Like Me?

Okay, so I'm not the very most scariest mom, but still

I’m trying to win a contest for being a scary mom. One would think that this just wouldn’t be that hard, huh? Because I can be pretty damned scary. Just ask my kids. Heh. To learn more about the contest, visit Jill at Scary Mommy. And to help me win, leave a comment on this post confirming that you think I’m a pretty scary mutha. This would be a really nice time for the lurkers to unlurk. Just saying.

When I first became a mom (at age 21), I was way too young; wherein *young* = OMG what were my parents thinking, letting me get married at 19? Seriously? WTF?

In the fantasy world that I live in part-time inside my own head, I knew that once I held my baby in my arms, all would be right with the world. The maternal instinct would kick in, and I’d be ferocious like a mother lioness protecting her cub, keeping my baby safe from any harm. The fact that I pretty much disliked every child I had ever met didn’t really give me pause. Because? My baby? Would be different. Of course she would be.

The reality of actually having a baby was a hell of a lot less glamorous than I had envisioned. Surprise! Babies kind of suck when they’re around, like, all the time, 24-hours a friggin’ day. They cry and they vomit and, holy shit, are they ever needy. Eventually, they morph into toddlers. And they trash everything you love. They destroy anything you own that cost more than $5.99 and are like extreme sport junkies, teetering on the brink of a deadly crash every minute of every day.

And when you’re the mom? *Apparently* you’re supposed to prevent these little adrenalin junkies from the ever-impending disasters looming around every corner. Like you’re magic or something. Except that becoming a mom didn’t come with any magic or super powers. Nope. All I got was engorged breasts, a disgusting C-section scar and stomach muscles that will never, ever tighten up again.

Some of the low-lights of my parenting career, thus far:

1st child: Dropping my three-month-old daughter while trying to carry her, not properly strapped into her baby carrier, while juggling the house key and balancing a large Diet Coke and bag of Popeye’s Fried Chicken in the other hand. Relax. She was fine.

2nd child: Having my next door neighbor come over and clue me in to the fact that my three-year-old son was straddling the 6-foot wood fence between our yards. He was outside playing in our fully fenced backyard under the supervision of his four-year-old sister. I swear, I was only gone for a minute. I had to answer the phone. And pee. And grab a Diet Coke. And quickly check in to see if Blacky was on General Hospital that day. John Stamos, people, can you blame me?

3rd child: Convincing my six-year-old stepdaughter that there was no need to call poison control after she was mistakenly served a big glass of “juice” poured from the pitcher of margaritas. Drama queen much?

4th child: Medicating my kindergartener with Nyquil for tummy aches. Because her tummy only hurt at night. Eventually, she was seen at the doc’s office urgently and diagnosed with an impacted bowel and chronic IBS. Seriously, how are you supposed to know these things?

I think we can all see a pattern emerging here. And frankly, I blame society. Four children! You’d think after seeing that I was inept, someone would have done something to prevent this travesty. Honestly, that’s really the scariest part of the story. When you break it down, I’m kind of the victim here.

By some stroke of incredible good luck, all four of my kids are healthy, have all of their limbs and digits and are for the most part functional members of society. Mostly.

So, I’ve gone out on a limb here and admitted my imperfections as a parent (talk about scary!). You’re welcome. Now please “vote” for me in the comments because I deserve to be rewarded. Have I not suffered enough at the hands of these children? Give me my due, people!

And after you leave a comment, if you really love me, go here and leave another, voting for me! xoxo


Preggo said...

So I entered this contest, too. And I really expect to win. . . except that your scary mommy skills are WAY over mine! I aspire to be you. . . exxcept the dropping-the-baby part. But DEFINETELY the running inside to get a Diet Coke part. Hello?!? A girl's gotta get a drink!

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

You've got my vote...because you truly are the victim. Children are an evil plot to mess up our tv watching and Diet Coke drinking.

Anonymous said...

Vote. You're a nut. A hilarious nut.

p.s. I'm still taking notes.

Anonymous said...

LOL!I'm a scary mom who can really trash talk when feeling COMPETIVE! My boys will tell you I am a g-rated trash talker, though. Good try, but, hmmmm, is it good enough? LOL (I enjoyed the read, very exciting adventuresome Scary Mom)

katydidnot said...

i totally want you to be my mom now. except that i'm pretty sure i'd die. but until then? you'd buy me Popeye's chicken somethings and let me have margaritas and nyquil.

best. mom. ever.

Amy Whitley said...

Well damn. I'm planning to enter the contest too, but then I read your entry here, and well, you're pretty scary. In the best possible way. Enjoyed the read!

Kathy said...

Is this for scariest or worst mom? snort!

S Club Mama said...

I think that's awesome. It's daunting to admit all of our mistakes. But I'll make you feel better. I've forgotten to strap my kids in their carseats - more than once each (and one is 3 months old).

Fantastic Forrest said...

Scariest Mom Evah, that's you.

You scared the impacted bowel movement right out of me with that picture of She Who Must Not Be Named.

Going off to vote via the link to Jill's blog.

Scary Mommy said...

That picture cracked me up--- last November, I wrote a post about the scariest mommy of all, imploring people not to put her in office, LOL. Same picture!

Loved this post!

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

I want to play at your house.

(To vote, do I just leave a comment?)

Keetha said...

You're the scariest of scary moms, in the coolest way evah.

Belle said...

#4 if my favorite scary moment. I vote YOU!

Frugal Vicki said...

I think I just peed my pants a little! I rarely read blogs out loud to my hubby, but I just had to with this one! I agree, why haven't they slapped some permanent birth control on me yet. Don't they know that by now I am too freaking tired to care that my toothless child is sticking yet again another oreo in her mouth. And I only have two. I luv your blog and will be back!
But I entered too, so I won't vote. I need the camera more. Mine are younger so they are cuter for now.

This Heavenly Life said...

Ha! Perfect sum of all your scariest parts (I imagine). You shoudl definitely be a contender for the prize :)

melissa said...

yeah. you're pretty scary.
i have 5 kids. i blame society too.
we're in this together. well, kinda. ;)