If you've read my blog lately, you know I've been ill. Not so much ill as much as OW FUCK MY STOMACH HURTS and then had surgery. And then had another surgery.
Nothing life threatening. Nothing cataclysmic. Stupid gallbladder and gallstones. Laproscopy and endoscopy procedures = I don't even have a big, gnarly wound.
And yet? I am whipped. I am utterly defeated. I am not being dramatic when I say that this illness and recovery is absolutely depleting my resources of "positivity" and "glass half full" and "I can do this." Not that I generally run real high on the "positivity" stuff to begin with, but still. All I want to do is crawl into bed and not get out. Ever. Again.
Which has me thinking about *real* diseases and *real* illness and how completely and totally ill-equipped I am to deal with any kind of serious slow down in either my professional, personal or family life. I mean, I was in the hospital for 2.5 days and have been home on "light duty" for 2.5 days and my house is a complete STY. My youngest child is ACTING WEIRDer than usual. My husband finally realized that maybe, just maybe, he should take a day off of work to aid in my recovery (after parking me at home, alone, Monday and Tuesday, which I would really love to get indignant about right now, but after 2.5 days in the hospital, the solitude was blissful).
My point is: my life runs on a toxic cocktail mixture of HURRY UP and WE'RE LATE and I'LL DO IT LATER and I'LL REMEMBER WHERE THAT IS and DON'T TOUCH THAT, YOU'LL RUIN MY *SYSTEM.*
For example:
Saturday, from the hospital, about to be wheeled into surgery, I am on my Blackberry coordinating with my proofreader how to walk my husband through the steps to send her transcripts from my computer.
Monday, I come home from the hospital at noon, and then am on the phone, coordinating a ride home from school for Carlie (no bus service).
I feel overwhelmed. I feel like this family would fucking disintegrate into microscopic dust if I were not here to keep things running. And while I know this is not *really* true, and that life certainly would go on, it's what *feels* true right now.
I had a post-op follow up today. The doctor, in an effort to cheer me, said, "Don't worry. By summer, this will all be behind you."
SUMMER? DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY SUMMER? BECAUSE I WAS THINKING I COULD HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR MAYBE TWO MORE WEEKS. NOT UNTIL *SUMMER* OMG.
I am the worst patient ever. God help us all if something really bad ever happens.
PS: Still ahead: some kind of dye injected into my liver to see if there are anymore stones. And if so, some kind of "plunging with wire" (that's the exact medical quote) into my liver to remove them.
PPS: I know it's better than getting your faced ripped off by a chimp. And I'm still thankful that at least it doesn't smell like poo. But I am finding it difficult to pull the plug on my pity party tonight.
6 comments:
Sorry that this has hit you harder than you expected and that your recovery is going to take so damn long, cause that is horrible.
I really hope your hubby takes a couple of days off. Especially since, if it were reversed, you would totally do that for him.
I'd say "feel better" but it's not even spring yet.
Give yourself a break. Most people get to prepare for surgery. Mentally and logistically. You didn't. And your household would fall apart without you. It would come together again at some point but it would fall apart.
Lay in the bed. Stay there until you feel like getting up. That feeling will come. You JUST HAD SURGERY. Lay in the bed.
I bet you'll feel better before summer, I mean come on. That's just stupid. Doctor's are so dumb sometimes.
Hey, keep venting here, too. It's got to feel great.
To recap: lay in the bed, doctors are dumb, keep venting. ;0)
You family never truly knows how much they need you until they don't have you. Things would probably fall apart into dust if you weren't around. They might rise from the dust, but they would be rolling in it first.
I had a doctor tell me I might have cancer followed by, how do you feel about that? Cancer?! I'm pumped! Crazy doctors.
Honey, I don't blame you. Anyone would be having a pity party in your shoes. So have it. This is tough and it sucks and no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. Don't make it worse by beating yourself up for not being a merry little ray of sunshine right now!
Honestly, I don't think you should have to coordinate a gd thing! Ok, maybe the work details in the beginning but any and all house and family duties should be completely off you. It just adds stress to you and that does not help you recover, in fact, I think it hinders the process. Doesn't matter if this is a life threatening illness or not.....but I'd say having tubes protruding from your stomach exempts you from everything but taking care of yourself.
As everyone else has said, rest.
Here, I'll stress it a bit more: REST, DAMMIT!!!
Take care of yourself. Tim and Carlie will have to pick up the slack.
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